Funny Quotes
Latest Quotes
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
I'm the only person I know that's lost a quarter of a billion dollars in one year.... It's very character-building.
The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
Whenever the talk turns to age, I say I am 49 plus VAT.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf.
Many speak the truth when they say that they despise riches, but they mean the riches possessed by others.
There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.
But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
The report of my death was an exaggeration.
Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot.
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.
Plato is boring.
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.
There are three ingredients to the good life; learning, earning, and yearning.